“I’ve realized that changing my habits doesn’t have to feel comfortable,’ a friend of mine recently wrote. “It doesn’t have to be fun. it’s just necessary if I want to reap the benefits of healthier habits. And when I can see that discomfort as leading to what I want, it becomes a valued discomfort.”
A valued discomfort.
I’ve been turning that phrase over in my my head all week.
When we experience discomfort, we often take that as a sign that something is wrong. But sometimes discomfort is a sign that we’re doing something right.
What might be possible if you started to distinguish between discomfort that has value and the kind that doesn’t? If you started to welcome (or at least tolerate) the discomfort that’s necessary to create the future you want for yourself?
Last night, I huddled with a half dozen members of our year-long program for one of our monthly small-group coaching sessions. We shared what was working and what we were finding challenging. There were moments full of feeling and there were raucous bursts of laughter.
As I looked at the circle of faces on my screen, I was filled with appreciation for these wonderful human beings: showing up for themselves and for each other, making time and space to push beyond the easy “solutions” (that never really work) and into that less familiar place where actual change happens.
The theme that emerged last night was one that runs through much of the program–how much more effectively we can respond to our needs (and desires) when we take the time to get clear on what we REALLY need (and want).
“See, this is what I HATE about this program,” one of them suddenly burst out. “And what I LOVE about it!
“There are other programs that will just give you the answer to any problem you bring up. Just ‘do this’ or ‘don’t do that’. But you guys always want to look at it more closely, and dissect it and figure out what’s really going on. And that’s what’s ultimately going to make real change happen. I know that’s true–even when I’m frustrated because you won’t just give me an easy answer.”
. . .
There seems to be a moment in every meeting where time momentarily stands still. That moment when I think to myself, “How did I get so lucky to be able to do this for a living?” And this was the one for me last night.
So there you have it: Full disclosure. This is what our members hate (and also love) about this program. We have no pat solutions, no easy answers, no one-size-fits-all formula.
We have a method, a process, tools. We have the magic that happens when people come together to support one another on a shared — yet unique — journey. And the treasures we discover along the road to weighing less are sometimes nothing short of miraculous.
One of our Weighless members recently shared that, despite her success at becoming someone who weighs less, she was feeling a lot of anxiety about backsliding. (She had done this many times in the past.)
Others who are not quite as far along in their journey are feeling anxious that they might not succeed…because all of their previous attempts had failed.
It makes sense. Our expectations for the future are based on our past experiences. Except that this doesn’t take into account what’s changed.
New tools create new results
Brock offered a great analogy:
“In the past, you were like someone who was given the keys to fly a plane but had never been trained to be a pilot. So of course you struggled. It makes total sense. But now you have read the manual, done the training, and are ready to do some solo flights. Sure, you may still make some mistakes, you will have moments of doubt, but you will not crash the plane.”
Brock then invited her to make a list of all the tools that she had at her disposal the last time she was attempting to maintain a weight loss. She immediately got it.
“There were no tools! There were just systems that I was either on or off. So yes, this is different. I need to acknowledge the skill layers I’ve built through Weighless. This is definitely an aha moment and a big confidence builder.”
Letting go of past failures
One way to combat anxiety about the future is to understand–and then let go of–our past failures. We can’t blame our past selves for failing at something we had never been shown how to do. Then, we need to acknowledge the steps we are taking to create a different outcome. This allows us to face the future with confidence.
We may face some turbulence. But we will not crash the plane.
What steps are you taking to create a different outcome? What would make you feel more confident about your future?
We recently checked in with some of the people who decided NOT to join us in the Weighless group that began earlier this month. We know there are a lot of reasons that people might decide not to do the program. And we wanted understand more about those reasons, in case there’s something we can do to address them in the future.
A few people mentioned being reluctant to commit to a year-long program. Which is ironic. Because one of the things we hear from those who are nearing the end of their year (and often long before then) is that they don’t want it to be over. It’s over too fast.
The truth is that the year you spend with us in the Weighless program will pass so quickly…just like every year seems to. (Am I the only one who can’t believe it’s almost time to put up the holiday lights again?)
The difference is that when this year is over, something big will have changed. You will have a completely different outlook, a new set of habits, a new relationship to food, your body, your thoughts. A new community and set of tools.
Was that true for you this year? Last year? The year before that?
There are people who have been thinking about doing this program for years. Maybe some of them felt like a year was just too long to commit to. And yet, here they are all these years later still looking for a solution.
Big goals take time
You’ve probably heard us talk about how important it is not too lose weight too quickly. (And if you haven’t, here’s more on that.) But that’s not really what I’m talking about. The bigger goal is changing our thoughts, habits, and behaviors. That takes time–especially if you want those changes to last.
One of the biggest advantages (and differences) of the Weighless program is that it gives you the time you need to do this. To figure out what works and then figure out how to make it sustainable. To stumble and learn how to recover instead of give up.
But that’s not how we’ve been trained to think about losing weight. We just want to get it over with as fast as we can…because it’s darned unpleasant.
But what if it wasn’t so unpleasant? What if instead of a few weeks or months of dieting/deprivation (followed by a few week or months of relapsing/regaining) you signed on for a year of exploration, innovation, and creativity, resulting in a sustainable and enjoyable lifestyle that allows you to weigh less. Permanently?
Here’s an idea
It’ll be at least six months before we launch another cohort. If by then, you’re happy with your progress, we will be the first to celebrate with you. (Really, I mean it. Be sure to let us know so we can cheer you on.)
But if six months from now you’re still more or less where you are today, then maybe a 12-month commitment would be exactly what you need to move foreward.
Last night, Brock and I were coaching some folks who are working on impulse control. And more than one of them described times when an urge to eat something felt almost like an addiction. The more they tried to resist, the more overwhelming it felt. Sometimes, giving in–even though they knew they’d have regrets–felt like the only option.
But framing a desire as an addiction can make us feel really powerless. It also shifts all the focus onto the object of our desire, rather than our own thoughts and feelings–which is where the action really is.
It might be more helpful to think of that part of ourselves as our inner toddler rather than our inner addict.
When your inner toddler throws a tantrum
Deciding to resist an urge or craving can easily trigger a temper tantrum from your inner toddler. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of an actual toddler’s temper tantrum, you know how easy it is to get caught up in that emotional storm–and when you do, you have lost control of the situation.
But if we can step back and access our mature adult brains, we realize two things:
We can see that the drama is totally out of proportion to the reality. For the toddler, getting the thin g they want literally feels like a matter of life and death. As adults, we can see that it is merely a passing squall. We may even be able to see the humor in the situation, which allows us to respond more gently.
We may also be able to see that the toddler needs something–just not the thing they are demanding. Perhaps they need a nap, or a cuddle, or less stimulation, or something more interesting to do. This can turn irritation into compassion and allow us to care for our toddler more effectively.
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
The next time you find yourself in the grips of a desire or craving, see if you can visualize that inner toddler who truly believes that they cannot live without this thing. Recognize the adorable absurdity of it all.
And then, instead of trying to reason with your screaming toddler, disciplining them, or simply giving in to an unreasonable demand (thereby perpetuating the behavior), see if you can figure out what that little person really needs.
Although most people see weight loss plateaus as a problem, we actually encourage members of our year-long program to pause their weight loss efforts at regular intervals. For one thing, we’ve found that practicing maintenance is an essential part of learning how to weigh less. So we build it into the program.
But our approach is also designed to minimize the metabolic adaptation that typically accompanies weight loss. (This is that insidious phenomenon where the body compensates for weight loss by slowing down your metabolism. Not helpful.)
We believe that these intentional plateaus help the metabolism stabilize and recover. And there’s science to back that up. A 2018 study out of Australia found that alternating periods of active weight loss and stabilization periods improved weight loss efficiency and led to greater fat and weight loss.
In other words, sometimes slowing down is actually the fastest way to reach your goal.
It’s easy to get discouraged when your goal feels too far away. And that’s why it’s so important to celebrate your incremental progress.
In our year-long Weighless program, we throw a little virtual confetti every time our members hit milestones such as losing 5, 10, or 15% of their starting weight. And one of our members recently came up with a fantastic idea for taking this a step further.
When she reached her 5% milestone, she bought a beautiful sun-catcher and hung it in the large window of her master bath. When she reached 7.5%, she bought another smaller one and added it to the window. She’s already got her eye on a larger one for when she reaches 10%. And the other night, in our group meeting, she told us:
“My plan, when I reach my goal, is to have one custom-made, maybe with a bright red cardinal, for the very center. It’s going to be a while, but I figure I’m not going anywhere, so I’ll just enjoy the periodic additions to my collection.”
How brilliant is this?
Every morning, when she steps into her bathroom to get ready for her day, she is greeted by this heart-lifting display, signifying what she’s accomplished and reminding her of her goals for the future. An ongoing, tangible celebration of her decision to be someone who weighs less.
I want you to steal this idea!
Step 1: Think of something that would bring you genuine pleasure–ideally something that you could enjoy in an ongoing way. Step 2: Set an incremental goal. Step 3: Post a comment below and tell us what your goal is and how you plan to celebrate. Step 4: When you reach that milestone, reward yourself! (And send us a picture!)
We’re eating to cope with stress, fatigue, boredom, anxiety, anger, grief…did I mention stress?
This might be OK — after all, coping is good, right? Except that all that “coping” is leading to unwanted consequences. We gain weight or we can’t lose weight…and that is creating stress, fatigue, anxiety, anger, grief.
Maybe we actually need to do less coping.
If you stopped using food to “cope,” maybe you’d be compelled to make changes that made your life less stressful, boring, or exhausting.
And maybe that’s the difference between coping and self-care.
So, here’s a question to consider: Is self-medicating with food allowing you to tolerate things that maybe you shouldn’t be tolerating?
What about your life might you be moved to change if you stopped “coping”?
Now that our newest members are well underway on their year-long journey to weighing less, Brock and I have been thinking hard about how we can help EVERYONE in our community create a healthier body and life.
And I’m excited to tell you about a new tool that we’ve created: something we think you’ll find super useful
It’s designed to give you clarity and laser-focus on your next action steps. The steps that will move most quickly toward your goal. Because overwhelm generally leads to inaction.
Like any complex task, maintaining a healthy body weight requires an assortment of skills. But here’s the thing: You’re probably a lot better at some than others.
We’ve put together a quiz (actually, a scientifically-validated assessment) that evaluates your current abilities in 6 different skill sets associated with maintaining a healthy body weight.
You can use this information to zero in on strategies that will strengthen your weakest links. (We’ve also provided some of those strategies.)
Now that our newest members are well underway on their year-long journey to weighing less, Brock and I have been thinking hard about how we can help EVERYONE in our community create a healthier body and life.