Here’s what to do when nothing is working

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“I’ve tried everything and nothing has worked. ”

We hear this all the time from people who want to work with us.  But when we really peel back the layers, it turns out that they haven’t tried anything at all. Not really.

Here’s how it usually goes down:

You buy into a new idea–eating clean or intermittent fasting or intuitive eating. Whatever it is, it’s the solution you’ve been looking for.

You read the book, buy the workbook, do the exercises. You make a plan and schedule it all in. And that’s where the effort peaks.

Maybe you stick to the plan for a day or 3.  And then, you start to hit some resistance. You get impatient. It’s hard and it’s not working yet. So you conclude that it’s not for you and start looking for the next thing.

When we continually jump from thing to thing, and don’t stick with anything long enough to get results, we get nowhere. We say we’ve tried everything and nothing works. But in reality, we’ve tried nothing.

The only way to get results that last is to permanently change your behavior. And true behavior change takes sustained effort.  Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be extreme or excruciating effort. Just sustained.

And it’s not a matter of picking the best or most effective diet or workout, either.

Take 100 steps on any path and you’ll be much closer to your destination than taking the first 10 steps on 10 different paths.

So, the next time you commit to a positive change or action, no matter how small, commit to staying the course. Give yourself time to actually create and reinforce that new habit pattern. (They say creating a habit takes 21 days but it depends on the habit. You know it’s a habit when you no longer have to decide whether or not to do it. )

Give that new behavior time to bear fruit before deciding that something else will work better.

“Something else” won’t work better.  The thing you stick with is going to be the thing that works or, at the very least, leads you to the thing that works.

The hidden cost of an unmet goal

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How long have you been wanting to lose some weight? To feel good about your body? To have a less fraught relationship with food?

A lot of people I know have been struggling with these issues for much of their adult lives. They’ve cycled through periods of concerted action and long stretches of inertia.  A new program or commitment works for a while and they make some progress.  Maybe they even briefly reach their goal, whether that’s a certain number on the scale or sticking with a regimen for a given period of time.

But somehow, it doesn’t last. Something throws them off their routine. Old habits reassert themselves. And eventually, the success or progress slips away. Until they realize that they are back where they started, with the same unmet goal.

It’s exhausting to carry around a goal that we never get any closer to. To have a problem that we can’t solve–or that won’t stay solved. To make the same resolution over and over again.

It’s demoralizing.   And it costs us in other ways as well.

Too often, we end up putting other goals on hold. Maybe you’d love to update your wardrobe, or switch jobs, or book a bucket list vacation.  But you defer taking action on any of those dreams. Because it seems like everything would be more possible, would make more sense, if you weren’t so exhausted and demoralized by this unsolved problem.

We created the Weighless program to help people solve their unsolvable problem, to help them finally reach that perpetually unmet goal.  We do this by showing them how to harness and control their Attention, Intention, and Action (you MUST leverage all three) to change their mind, their body, and their life. Not only does this help them weigh less without dieting, this method often helps them solve other problems and achieve other goals.

If you’re on our mailing list, you’ll be notified when enrollment for the next year-long program opens. (If you’re not, you can sign up here.)

But in the meantime, even if you’re not 100% happy with your body or your relationship with food right now, stop deferring your other dreams.

Buy a new outfit that makes you feel like a million bucks.  Submit that resume. Put down a deposit on that dream vacation.  For one thing, you deserve to realize your dreams. What's more, pursuing a worthy goal often has the somewhat magical effect of making progress on other fronts more possible.

What have you got to lose?

The #1 thing holding you back?

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Last week, I took a poll, asking people what was keeping them from making progress toward their goal.  The #1 thing people said was holding them back?

Lack of motivation.

Well, at least it wasn’t lack of will power. I think we’ve FINALLY started to come to grips with the fact that more willpower is not the answer.

But we still think that motivation is. If we were just motivated enough, change would happen. This is magical thinking.

Motivation isn’t like a motor on your bike that lets you zoom up hills without even pedaling. It’s more like the lower gear on your bike that makes the pedals a bit easier to push when you hit that hill. But pedaling is still required.

Being motivated doesn’t spare you the need to take action. It just makes taking (consistent) action a little easier.

How to Motivate Yourself

Stop waiting or wishing for more motivation.  This is something you have to create (and recreate) for yourself. In this three part video series, I walk you through the steps:

Motivation: Knowing what you want and why

What will it take to get what you want?

Being willing to do what it takes

Self-care and self-kindness

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Researchers writing about mindful eating in Frontiers in Psychology interviewed a number of overweight people about their attitudes towards self-care and self-kindness. The results were fascinating.

The subjects were very uncomfortable talking about ways that they were kind to themselves.  They seemed to equate self-kindness with self-indulgence, which they saw as a negative trait.

They were a bit more comfortable with the term “self-care” but here again, there was an interesting divide.

They talked about things like getting out in nature or taking a bath or setting aside time to read or visit with a friend. As long as it didn’t involve food, they were comfortable identifying these activities as self-care.

But they were unwilling to see choosing healthy foods or exercising as a way of exercising self-care. They saw these things as something they “should” be doing.  Therefore, doing them didn’t count as self-care or something they were doing to be kind to themselves. 

Isn’t that interesting?

If we can come to see making healthy food and movement choices as a way of showing ourselves kindness, instead of a duty that we may or may not be fulfilling, maybe the notion of self-kindness wouldn’t feel so self-indulgent and dangerous. 

This kind of effort feels easy

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One of our members just had a big A-ha moment I have to share with you.

She was reflecting on the fact that making Weighless choices requires some effort.  Awareness takes effort. Planning takes effort. Making decisions takes effort.

(Fortunately, we have an entire curriculum of tools designed to help you build and strengthen these skills and practices.)

But, she realized, the Weighless approach does NOT require a lot of willpower.

“The effort I’m investing in weighing less feels EASY because there’s desire and passion behind it. Using willpower, on the other hand, feels torturous and lasts shorter periods.”

That’s why relying on willpower never gets you very far…or at least not for very long. And why the sort of shifts experienced in the Weighless Program are so long-lasting (and far-reaching).

As another of our members recently shared:

For me, the difference in this program from other “diets“ is that this is the first time I’m truly focused on myself and my habits rather than the food. It’s not about saying goodbye to things I really like but learning how to incorporate them in an overall healthier way that leads to satisfaction…and a Weighless life.

How about you? Can you sense the crucial difference between the willpower required to lose weight and the kind of effort that it takes to become someone who weighs less?

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Freedom to Choose Vs. Rules to Obey

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One of the things that makes our approach different is that we don’t tell you what to do. We don’t give you a list of foods you’re not allowed to have. We don’t give you a meal plan or a workout routine We don’t tell you how many points or calories you’re allowed to have, or how many steps you have to register before you’re allowed to go to bed.

Instead, we teach you how to align your choices with your goals. How to observe your experience–and your results–and adjust accordingly.

It’s enormously freeing. But for people who are used to diets and programs based on rules and restrictions, this can be unfamiliar…and uncomfortable.

“Too much freedom makes me feel out of control,” one of our newer members just said.

Can you relate? We THINK we just want someone to tell us what to do. To set rules and limits for us to obey. Which works…until it doesn’t.

We confuse having someone else making all the decisions with being “in control.” Having the freedom to decide what we (really) want feels too scary…at first.

But hear this:  When you have no freedom, you are not in control.  Taking control means taking responsibility. But it also offers true freedom.

Does the idea of having practices instead of rules feel scary or exciting to you?

Respect your hunger (but ask to see ID)

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Chronic dieters often tell me that one of the hardest things about losing weight is constantly being hungry.

In the Weighless program, we don’t go hungry.

The correct response to the biological cue of hunger is to seek food. We don’t override or suppress this response.

But we also don’t eat constantly, either.

What we do instead is learn to recognize whether we are truly hungry–or just feel an urge to eat for some other reason.   And if we realize that the impulse to eat is actually out of boredom or stress or habit, we practice responding to those needs more appropriately.

We tackle this skill in month 2 of our 12 month program and many of our alumni look back on this as one of the most transformational parts of the program.

Want to give it a try? Here are some tips to help you decide whether it’s actually time to eat:

  • Consider when and what you last ate. If it’s been several hours since your last meal, or your meal was very small, you may actually be hungry. But if you just had a meal an hour ago or just ate a snack, you probably don’t really need food. Try drinking a glass of water and see if that removes the hungry feeling.
  • Consider your emotional state. If you’re feeling bored, anxious, stressed, lonely, or if you’re procrastinating doing something you don’t want to do, be skeptical of that feeling of “hunger.”
  • Consider what you want to eat. If you want to eat a bag of chips or a cookie, but you don’t want to eat a salad or chicken with broccoli, you’re probably not really hungry.
  • Try distracting yourself. Call a client, do a little work, or take a short walk. If you still feel hungry after 10 minutes, it might be time for a (healthy) meal or snack.

With a little practice, you’ll get a lot better at distinguishing true hunger from the urge to eat–giving you the opportunity to respond more appropriately.  You really can weigh less without ever feeling hungry, deprived or resentful.

Stop exercising to burn calories

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I just saw yet another infographic showing how much exercise is required to burn off various fast foods: a Krispie Kreme donut,  McDonalds French fries, five Oreos, a grande Starbucks frappuccino, etc. (I’m not going to link to it here because I don’t want to encourage this sort of thing!)

Fitness trackers and calorie counters make it seem like the only reason to exercise is to burn off those pesky calories.

A couple of years ago, there was even a serious discussion about adding an “activity equivalent” to the calorie count on our nutrition facts labels.

But all of this just reinforces the dieter’s mindset: the idea that we have to offset “bad” eating choices with “good” behaviors like exercise.

Burning calories is NOT the primary benefit of exercise. Nor should it be the primary goal.

So what’s the point of exercise, then?

  • Increased strength, flexibility, and balance
  • Strong bones
  • Reduced stress
  • Improved sleep
  • Enhanced immunity
  • Reduced chronic pain
  • Better mood

And by the way – exercise isn’t just the 20, 30, or 60 minutes you spend at the gym or doing a workout video in your living room.  Your day is full of opportunities to move, stretch, and strengthen your body.  You just need to get into the habit of noticing and taking advantage of them!

The human body was designed for movement, and learning to move more can truly improve the quality of your life–and also help you weigh less in the long run.

How can you add more movement into your day today?

40 pounds in 30 months

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One of our charter members just reached a huge milestone: Jeanne has now lost more than 20% of her body weight since beginning the Weighless program in July 2017. And all without a single day of dieting.

How did she do it? I’ll let her tell you in her own words

“My Weighless journey actually started when I did your Nutrition Upgrade program in March 2017. It was an incredible reset after giving birth and not paying attention to my diet for a couple years. I lost ten pounds from that March until July when Weighless started. And you can see my log since then:

“I’ve lost a similar amount of weight previously in my life and then gained it back. For a while I was really worried that it could happen again, but I really believe that this time is different because of the tools and awareness I’ve gained.

“My Weighless habits are 100% ingrained and it’s effortless to continue living this way. I love how strong I feel. I can’t thank you and Brock enough for your guidance the past couple years.

“It’s been LIFE CHANGING and not just on the scale.”

Why not start making progress toward your goals today?  The 30-Day Nutrition Upgrade program that kick-started Jeanne’s astonishing accomplishment (almost 40 pounds in 30 months!) is happening now. All the details are here.

If it’s not sustainable, it’s not success

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Diets, cleanses and detoxes sell you on the promise of certain results:

  • Lose XX pounds in X weeks!
  • Flaunt a flatter stomach!
  • Drop a dress size!
  • Fit into your “skinny jeans”!

Sometimes they even deliver on those promises.  Follow a restrictive diet or intensive exercise regimen for a month or two and you probably will lose a bunch of weight.

But unless you’re prepared to keep on doing whatever you’re doing to lose the weight, there’s really no point. Because if that’s not sustainable, then neither is the weight loss.

That’s why we need to focus less on the promise and more on the process. Before you embark on a new program, ask yourself:

  • Will I actually enjoy eating (or exercising) this way?
  • Does it fit it into my schedule and life long term?
  • Would I be able to keep it up even during busy or stressful times?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, whatever success you have is likely to be short-lived.

Permanent success comes from sustainable habits.

What’s your best habit right now? Not a wish or a goal, but an actual habit–a behavior that you’ve succeeded in establishing as a long-term pattern? What sustainable result is it supporting?